Uwe Boll of Georgia
04 September, 2014
Every country has its Uwe Boll (evil demon of film industry), and Georgia is no exception. For a while I thought that our Uwe Boll was his majesty Avtandil Varsimashvili, but God, was I wrong. I first heard about Nikoloz Khomasuridze in 2009. The trailer for his debut film Didgori hit our national web space. It’s a bit strange when a movie director shows up out of nowhere and without any marketing or media backup delivers a movie about your
country’s greatest battle.

Okay, more about that later. First, let me describe briefly who Nikoloz Khomasuridze is or wants to be or how he tries to introduce himself. Uwe Boll for the whole of independent Georgia happens to be a really patriotic person. Though I think it might be some kind of fetish instead of patriotism, because when you say that you love your country and your people, you don’t try to do such a sordid thing to its history. I have this fantasy where Nikoloz lies on a couch and dreams about 12th century Georgia where he is a court jester. He tries with lot of enthusiasm to bring joy to and cheer up King David Agmashenebeli but his jokes are lame and the king’s face remains expressionless. And finally when the king’s face brightens (not because foolish Nikoloz’s joke was funny but because the king remembered an old joke his wife Gurandukht told him the night before), Nikoloz awakens with sweat on his forehead, full of happiness and wet pants.
Yeah, that is one deranged image I have in my head but this image has a legitimate right to exist. Nikoloz Khomasuridze declares and tries to show (in a very insulting way) his love of his nationality. But more than this I think he desires Georgian ethnicity. Sexually. He even has a professional dream – to shoot a Georgian movie at an international level. This film should be easy to understand and should clearly tell the whole civilized world about Georgia, its history, culture and people. Of course Khomasuridze dreams of an international team of strong actors and a big budget for a worldwide box office. In short, he wants to be for the Georgians what Spielberg is for the Jews.
I should add that before the preparation for such a global film project Nikoloz and his producers should first hold a referendum at home with a demonstration of his film portfolio — so that everyone will understand what is waiting for them in the movie.
His first movie was called “Didgori: Land of Valiant Knights” and (the title might give you a clue) it was about our country’s biggest battle in history. Why would one try to film a story at such a scale? Especially with a low budget, fourth-rate actors and no shooting experience? Because Nikoloz wants to have it all – big stories, blockbuster caliber projects and of course his movies should be about Georgian history. It was only once when Khomasuridze didn’t shoot something patriotic.
His second movie was My Dad’s Girlfriend, a vulgar comedy with an absurd plot, unfunny jokes, asexual sex scenes and thank God it was a commercial failure. But right after the disastrous second movie Nikoloz somehow got a budget for his third and so far most ambitious project, The Forgotten King. The movie features the longest single 105-minute shot in film history, filmed in just one single continuous take without any cuts. And that’s where his ambitions fall like a house of cards. The work was total nonsense and a disgrace for Georgian cinema.
Try to imagine a movie, which contains Nazis, Shota Rustaveli, Adolf Hitler, Ilia Chavchavadze, Joseph Stalin, Lavrenti Beria, warrior monks, time travel and more nonsensical garbage that is all shot in one take. After this grandeur, Nikoloz had problems finding finances for his next projects. It’s not a surprise because he wants to shoot an adaptation of Jeans Generation and for a leading role he truly thinks that Leonardo Dicaprio will be perfect, and he thinks an American actor will of course be more than glad to be a part of his movie.
But behold, nothing can stop Nikoloz and his studio Nikolozfilm. Now he is trying to raise a budget for the greatest poem of our culture, Shota Rustaveli’s “Knight in the Panther’s Skin.” Promo shootings already have began. The look of the actors, costumes and set decoration is more than hilarious, and once more it’s insulting for a viewers. Georgian history has suffered a long enough. Why on earth would Nikoloz Khomasuridze, a man who says he loves his country, make it suffer even more?
I know he thinks that he’s Georgian Ridley Scott and is trying to make his Gladiator and Kingdom of Heaven, but someone needs to give him friendly advice and tell him that he is nothing more than the Uwe Boll of Georgia. I do hope that this article finds a way to you, Nikoloz. Please, stop torturing our country’s history!
But as they say, the main problem of Georgian cinema is not the producers, directors or actors. The problem is you, our dear reader—you who are paying money to watch shitty movies, and you who invest them. Well, if you're not, then it’s some of your friends, relatives or neighbors. Please stop financing garbage and destroying our hope for the future of Georgian cinema!

Author: Sheriff Lomia