Birthday Parties in the Wrong
13 October, 2011
Birthday Parties in the Wrong

What do a 13-year-old girl and Ramzan Kadyrov have in common? They love their coming of age birthday parties. In case of the 13-year-old Miss Brooks, daughter of David Brooks CEO of DHB, the bat mitzvah took place in 2005 a few years before Mr. Brooks, now the former CEO of the leading supplier of body armor to U.S. soldiers in Iraq was charged with looting the company to bankroll a lavish lifestyle that included a $10 million bat mitzvah for

his daughter. One million for Aerosmith, one million for Don Henley (Eagles), One million to Kenny G, same for Steve Nicks, and to appease the 13 year old because lets face it, she probably wouldn’t know Eagles from the Birds, Mr. Brooks also got Fifty Cent for a cool half million and Ciara made an appearance for a bit less.  (Out of all those celebrities, Don Henley was the only one who asked fro his pay to be sent to a charity.)

With Ramzan Kadyrov, the birthday celebration was not what it seemed. It wasn’t his birthday that was being celebrated; it was the rebirth of the Grozny, the capital of Chechnya that was leveled to the ground by the Russian Armed Forces in 2000. There was dancing, and singing and celebrities on hand. All to celebrate Kadyrov’s, sorry, I meant to say Grozny’s rebirth. Mr. Kadyrov was very insistent on NOT celebrating his birthday. He threatened to fire anyone who approached him with a gift. That threat was pointless, since about 85% of the population is jobless. But speaking of threats was that what he used to get Hillary Swank and Jean Claude Van Dam to show up and wish him a happy birthday? (Damn! So, it was His Birthday party after all) The only celebrity to report the earnings from this celebration was the violinist Vanessa Mae, who earned half a million dollars for her performance.

Paying celebrities to show up at events is not new. Everyone who has money to spend, or family members to appease, or neighbors to show off to, does it. And teenage girls especially love being the centre of attention. There are exceptions of course, but as a rule, they love to sing, dance and have everyone laud them. That’s why they have posters of their favorite rock (pop, hip hop) stars on their walls.

But what makes powerful men, who are not actors, or singers, or dancers, want to sing and dance and schmooze with celebrities if not for adoration and groupie love?  Perhaps that is why Medvedev ‘dances’, Kadyrov makes a spectacle of his birthday and Putin ‘sings’. These three could make a great little boy band. After all they are all good friends already, never mind that Putin had a hand in erasing Grozny from the face of the world. What’s a bloody war or two between friends? Water under the bridge Moscow is helping to build. But back to the boy band idea. Medvedev and Kadyrov can dance while Putin sings. Is there anyone who hasn’t seen his tone-deaf rendition of ‘Blueberry Hill’? After watching that Youtube sensation I finally found something in common with Mr. Putin. Neither of us can sing, but only I can admit it. And not to forget the best of them all Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow, president of Turkmenistan, who not only sings, but  also writes his own music and lyrics. Recently he performed a love song to all of his countrymen on a state broadcast TV. It was his birthday. If only he looked like a 13-year-old girl, the future would be bright for this upcoming star.

Is this why people go into politics, wage wars and destroy countries? So that their subordinates will bow to them and pretend to be their groupies? Perhaps Putin, Kadyrov, Medvedev and so many more lovely ‘leaders’ not so secretly wish they were rock starts instead, but having no natural talent or sex appeal, they have to go a different route to the world’s stage? That way they would finally get paid to attend birthday parties for cash. There’s good money in that business, and it can be a lot less bloody and less conflict ridden than the business they are in now.

Speaking of money, when asked where the money came from Mr. Kadyrov laughed it of. ‘Allah gave it to us. ‘ Well, Allah giveth and Allah taketh away. Mr. David Brooks, who’s daughter enjoyed a very lavish bat mitzvah, has been found guilty on multiple counts of fraud and tax evasion. Turns out he has been selling faulty body armor to the U.S. armed forces. When bulletproof vest malfunctions, someone dies, and someone else gets a birthday party. Mr. Brooks faces 25 years in prison and if there is any humor left in this world, a trip to Grozny, dressed in his own bullet-not so much proofed-vest.

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